Tonight (Tuesday, December 11th) @ 1:00 a.m.
Saturday, December 15th @ 2:30 a.m.
Sunday, December 23 (not 16th) at 12:30 p.m.

All times Eastern on CPTV (Channel 10 in most areas).

Enjoy!

We are so pleased to announce that Five Friends will be airing on Connecticut Public Television on December 10th @ 10pm.  CPTV is the third largest public television station in the country and the folks there have been incredibly supportive of the film.  They will continue to run the film, including the following Sunday, the 16th, so check your local Connecticut listings!  If you’re out of the Connecticut area, it may still be coming to you soon as we are discussing representation of the film to the other markets and affiliates around the country.  Come back soon for updates…

Dear Hank,
Brianna may have told you I’d be writing. My wife and I are very regular customers at R+D and have become quite fond of your daughter over the years. I don’t need to tell you that she is a very bright and warm person with a great spirit. Having now seen FIVE FRIENDS, I can see from where that great spirit comes. Brianna was kind enough to lend me the film and I was impressed. I am fifty-eight and an independent film producer with a long history of having been a creative executive in the film business at the studio level. If a man needs to have five good friends at the end of his life in order to claim success, I am five short. Which is, of course, the power of the film. A wake up call, I suppose. It’s not too late, I’m hoping. If the intent of the film was to illuminate the importance of cultivating male friendship, then it was a success for me. I’m motivated. Of course it is also a portrait of a man. As the subject, you have to proud. You are a wise and thoughtful man and it was generous of you to share yourself with those of us who have the opportunity to see FIVE FRIENDS. Deepest congratulations on the excellent journey you’ve taken. And my congratulations also to the filmmaker who knows what he’s doing.

Curtis Burch

Thanks so much for the kind words Curtis!

The Evaluations of the Five Friends Workshop at the National Association of Social Workers/Connecticut Chapter Conference – April 20, 2012

Participant Responses included; Doctoral Students, Retired Social Workers, Licensed Social Workers, Practicing Masters of Social Work, PH.D Professors and Hospital Clinicians

1. If you had to give this training a grade, what would it be -  100% responded A+ with some giving the workshop an A++

Comments: Excellent; In depth look at men’s intimacy; Totally different workshop; Excellent, moving; generated so much to think about and loved this workshop

2. (a) I have acquired new knowledge - 100% yes;

(b) I have acquired new techniques and skills - 90% yes;

(c) I anticipate using knowledge gained from this program in my work/practice - 90% yes

3. I would like the trainer (Hank Mandel, MSW) to know that: It was a courageous topic and wonderful; Thank you, It made me smile – courage, strength, tenderness,      humanness; It was brilliant!; Your honesty and courage is much appreciated; Sharing the film has made a difference; I loved the film -Thank You!!; Use the film as a basis for weekend training for all folks to open this discussion; How very much more I got from this workshop than I had anticipated. Thank you!; Wonderful film, How brave! How courageous to explore relationships like this; Would love to see another film featuring inner city boys and their relationships with their father. Probably would need to be shorter. Also girls and their fathers.

4. What recommendations, if any, would you have for improving this workshop in the future? No recommendations – it was perfect; None – Very powerful; Can’t think of any – the film speaks for itself; Follow-up with a documentary on Emmit the baby, ie. young boy – issues adolescents; Do not turn the lights back on until the film is over; Thank you – keep up the great work; the rest of the answers to this question were blanks.

5. The instructor’s (Hank Mandel) materials were presented in a clear and organized fashion. 100% response of “completely”

It was an amazing experience with 100% of the participants buying Five Friends materials (DVD and Workbook) to use in the future.

Thanks NASW, we love you too!

This past Thursday I watched a movie with 65 other men about male relationships. Now don’t go building any opinions yet, let me explain. The movie night was sponsored by the men’s group at my church. Yet, despite the fact that all the men who gathered were religious, the movie was not. The sole purpose of the movie was to delve into male relationships and society’s perceptions of them versus what male relationships really look like or could look like. Now your probably thinking, what do men need to know about male relationships? Personally, I feel men have a lot to learn about what a male friendship looks like. But then again, that is my personal opinion that may or may not be shared by other men out there. The movie itself is relatively new and is called “Five Friends” by Hank Mandel. (Check out the trailer here) So that no one is left in the dark, let me give you a very brief synopsis of the movie. As a documentary, the movie goes into Hank’s life and looks at five male friendships that he has. It talks about the intimacy that Hank has with these other men and how each of their lives benefits from the friendship. Now I used the word intimacy, scary for most men, yet I use it only in the sense of revealing one’s life, one’s issues, one’s concerns with another. In an effort to get you to check out the trailer, I will end my synopsis there. (There is a reason I am not a film critic). Yet, despite the short synopsis, I feel I have given enough information that the rest of what I talk about should make sense. If it doesn’t, check out the trailer.

There are a lot of aspects about the movie that I could delve into and talk about and probably will over the course of a few weeks. What I wanted to talk about today was a comment that was made by one of the men after the movie finished. This young man, probably about my age in the military, asked if there were plans to make a movie about the friendships or bonds between men in the military. He asked this because he couldn’t formulate a friendship outside the military as strong as he could with men in the military. I started thinking about this and drawing connections with the movie. One of the themes that the movie talks about as being integral in any deep relationship between men is trust. There must be a sense of trust between two people if their relationship is to gain any kind of substance. If we don’t trust someone else, how can we talk honestly with them about our lives, our concerns, our excitement? In short, we can’t. If you think about the military, they are trained to trust each other, to place their lives in someone else’s hands, to depend utterly on the men (and women) they are in service with. The trust that men in the military have with each other goes above and beyond the trust that almost anyone else ever experiences. The majority of the population never has to place their life in someone else’s hands or depend upon someone else to save them or watch over them to the extent that people in the military do. It is most likely because of this deep seated trust that there is such a strong bond between people in the military, especially between those who serve in the same unit. For the majority of us, trust is fleeting, hard to earn, and easy to break. Out of everything the military does, perhaps the one thing that I have just recently come to appreciate is their ability to forge such a strong bond between people; based on trust. No wonder it is hard for this man to build friendships as strong as the one’s he has with his fellow soldiers. If he can’t trust someone else with his life, how can he trust them with simple information about himself? He probably feels that he can’t.

We could all do with a little more trust, especially men. To take this idea and apply it in a broader sense to men, lets look at society and what society expect in terms of trust. If you watch the news or listen to the radio, you have probably all heard about the Homeland Security saying, “If you see something, say something”. (I also talked briefly about this Monday). The whole campaign by Homeland Security is built on eliminating trust. We are not supposed to trust anybody or anything anymore, but rather report them if they look suspicious. It goes beyond that, however, to the media and persistent relaying of incidents that degrade any trust we might have for someone else. How are we supposed to move past this issue of lack of trust in society and build trust between one another? Its not easy, in fact, it is probably one of the most difficult things we will do in our lifetimes, build trust between us and someone else. Some of us are able to trust others without question, yet I feel these people are few and far between as compared to the majority. For most of us, it takes time and effort to expose our inner feelings and desires to someone else, especially man to man. For many men, it never happens and they live their lives closed and without any meaningful male relationships. I personally have a few friends that I can claim I am intimate with, that I can claim I can tell anything and have no worries about how they will take it or respond in kind. How many friends do you have that you can say that about? Maybe its time for men to shed their facade of toughness and imperviousness and seek to trust other men with their feelings and emotions. I know, I know, men are not supposed to have feelings and emotions, but I have news for you; they do and they are not going away. Let us all work on trust this week and see if we can’t build a level of trust between us and someone else that will allow us to truly deepen a friendship with them.

Alex’s Blog here

EVALUATION COMMENTS:

1. It helped me look at mens’ friendships from a different view.

2. It was open and welcoming in establishing relationships.

3. Being aware of a man’s life journey is very important

4. The movie starts important conversations  about relationships.

5. The best workshop I have ever been in. (4 people)

6. The balance between the theoretical and personal was good. (2 people)

7. My head is spinning through this experience. This was not an empirical experience and I enjoyed it immensely. I can make a list of things that I never thought about much before this workshop. It was great!

8. Listening to each male voice, the sharing is very magical. Diversity is wonderful.

9. Tremendous enjoyment. I found a voice in this group. I was a bit un-settled about the confidentiality. The self-reflection vs academic/therapeutic work was a surprise.

10. The workshop has changed my life. (4 people)

11. We can not ask these questions enough to ourselves and each other.

12. Let us do this workshop again next year!

If you are interested in a screening and workshop, let us know.

-Hank

BMFI

To begin, we arrived in Philly (Hank by train, me by plane) just a few hours before a screening at the Bryn Mawr Film Institute.  BMFI is a part of Bryn Mawr College and they are a true indie art house that provides a platform for films as big as ‘The Artist’ and as small (though growing!) as Five Friends.  I must say it was wild to see Five Friends in the evening on the same screen they had shown ‘The Artist’ just hours before.  I’ve never considered myself a fancy director-type, probably due to the fact that I’m not.  I’ve really only made this one modest documentary.  But don’t tell the Bryn Mawr folks that because they treated me and Hank with such respect and attention.  They were considerate in every detail and made sure we felt very much at home in their venue.

Nervous Anticipation

But, in spite of the warm reception, we were also greeted by an unpleasant surprise.  The box office had only pre-sold 10 tickets by that point.  Ugh.  This was going to be one of those you-could-shoot-a-canon-through-this-place kinds of experiences and, I have to admit, it took the wind out of my sails for a moment.  We remained hopeful and Hank and I took off for a bit to catch some air.  We had dinner with our Philadelphia friends that we had met the previous year at the American Men’s Studies Association Conference for our premiere in Kansas City.  Good food and good wine with good people always takes the edge off.  And by the time we got back to the theater, just a few minutes before show time, they had sold 75 tickets!  Now, that may not seem like a lot, but for a little movie in a new city, it exceeded our expectations.

The movie looked beautiful in its full Blu-Ray glory with sound to match.  After the credit roll there was a warm applause, but I’m still always a bit nervous about how people actually feel about the film.  I mean, they knew we were in the room, they kind of have to applaud, don’t they?

The Panel

But the discussion that followed overwhelmed us with a sense of people really getting what we’re trying to do: create a platform for men to talk about relationships.  And they did.  Women also jumped into the mix and for over an hour we explored what it means to be a man, what keeps men from being intimate with each other, their wives, their children and how we are on the verge of what appears to be…dare I say, a movement.

The following day, we embarked on a mission to check a very important Philly box and that is the cheesesteak.  As Hank and I ventured naively into some fairly, uh, ‘lively’ parts ofPhiladelphia, we passed over one spot that seemed life threatening.

Philly Gold

Then we finally landed at ‘Larry’s Steaks’ for a taste of the local flavor.  It was a sublime meld of steak, onions, mushrooms, grease and fries…so sublime that I devoured half of it before I stopped to snap this photo.

Onto Widener University for two screenings, ending in the “Deepening Men’s Relationships” Conference.  The graduate students on Thursday night were insightful and intelligent, challenging us with probing questions and showering us with beautiful praise.  It was humbling and enlightening.  Most of these students were studying sexuality…hello?  I did not know this was an option when I was in school!  Two-year intensive study of sex?  Outstanding.  It was a sharp group and really set the stage for our final screening on Saturday.

Again, what began as 20 registrations at the beginning of the week turned into over 60 by Saturday and it was a passionate group.

The Fish Bowl

At one point, we did a ‘fish bowl’ where five guys and a therapist (sounds like the set up for a joke) sat in a circle and the rest of the group sat in a circle around them.  They then began to tell their own personal stories followed by a discussion facilitated by the therapist.  It’s amazing when you start to see how the lives of people have been so uniquely and powerfully impacted by the male relationships in their lives.  It gave me renewed vigor to keep raising awareness around men talking about these things.  Why are male relationships so important?  What do they mean to men? And how does it inform what it means to be a man?  That last question leads me to a most wonderful final punctuation on this Philadelphia adventure.

After my trans-continental flight, I stumbled groggily out of LAX to catch my shuttle to the parking lot.  My head was still swirling with a week of male relationships, men and masculinity when, low and behold, I had what appeared to be a…vision of sorts.  It was a certain kind of man, a prototype one could say, and something to behold.  It was Fabio.  Yes, that Fabio, of 90s romance novel fame.

Fabio at LAX

It was astonishing, really.  I snapped this photo surreptitiously so as not to spook the fellow…he kind of looked a little spooked already.  Was it a sign?  Did it point to bulging pectorals and the conquest of women as the indelible picture of true masculinity?  I chuckled at considering that explanation to the various feminists I encountered on my trip.  My answer was, in fact, no, but this sighting was nonetheless a gift.  I realized that, outside of his hulking stature, chiseled jaw-line and incomparable hairdo, Fabio and I are exactly the same.  We both need the love of other men to make our life complete.  Yes, Fabio, even Fabio.  And so we continue.  To challenge, encourage, love, live and celebrate men and their relationships with each other.

Thanks Philadelphia, may you always remain the City of Brotherly Love.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7, 2012

Hank Mandel’s FIVE FRIENDS

By Nina Zipkin, BMFI Intern

Bromances may be a hit in Hollywood, but what role do meaningful male friendships play in a man’s life, and how can they be cultivated?

Hank Mandel, the 65-year-old subject of the new documentary Five Friends, will share his insights as part of a panel discussion about male friendships following the screening of the movie at BMFI on Wednesday, March 14 at 7:30 pm. Based on Elbert Hubbard’s saying, “My father always used to say that when you die, if you’ve got five real friends, you’ve had a great life,” director Erik Santiago’s poignant film focuses on Hank’s relationships with his five closest friends.

In anticipation of the event at BMFI, Hank took the time to answer some questions about his experience working on the film:

How did you decide to share the story of your friendships?

It was a very personal process. As I looked back on my life, I was very blessed to have five amazing friends in my life dating back from 40 to 10 years–all of these men supporting and growing with me through life. I wanted my two daughters to know these friends better and understand the importance of men having intimate, healthy, and strong male relationships. I thought making a film about these friendships would be a great gift for them to have. I thought the guys might like it as well. I discussed it with my wife and together we decided it would be a good thing to do for me and the kids.

 

Hank Mandel and his friend Scott in the new documentary, Five Friends

What was it like being followed around by the cameras?

This was easy, they were quite invisible. Erik Santiago, the director of the film, our cinematographer Sean Conaty, and their fantastic crew were masterful over the weeks and months of shooting. We shot about 50 hours of film for what turned out to be a 67-minute documentary. The crew was young, professional, and really enjoyed the topic. It was an all-male crew, except for the second camera woman, who really found the experience exciting and interesting. She enjoyed seeing the dynamics of men in very personal relationships. It made everyone on the crew think of their own relationships with men. We had excellent and diverse places to shoot on the two coasts, which I believe made the film more interesting.

 

Hank Mandel (right) with his friend Charlie

How did you collaborate with director Erik Santiago to create the film?

Erik and I had known each other for about 10 years. We worked together making training films at the bank where I worked. We knew how to work closely and collaboratively, but we never expected to do anything like this. We have very different talents and have found ways to collaborate and create an exciting and engaging film. We ended up with the same vision of the film. He did an amazing job editing the film with Kyle Gilbertson which made the story of the film quite impactful as it unfolds.

We were surprised how powerful the film was for men and women when we started holding focus groups with an uncut version of the final film. We wanted to see how men and women would react to the film. It was because of these focus groups that we began to understand that “Five Friends” was much more than a film for my daughters. It was a film that both men and women found as important, relevant and profound. Focus group audiences around the country encouraged us to see the film as an significant piece of work that needed to be shared broadly with both men and women.

You have had a wide-range of work experiences. What do you see as the connecting threads between the different stages of your career?

Great question. The clearest thread is ME! I am an eclectic individual with pieces of creativity and relationships throughout my life. Growing up in New York City, I loved theater and enjoyed being in and directing plays in school and camps. I went to Ithaca College as a Theater major and worked for five years producing and directing shows for the Country Music Association when I was in my late 40s. I have my graduate degree in Social Work which in many ways is a degree in understanding yourself and others in various relationships and situations. Both of my parents died when I was 30, so I think I found male friendships to be profound and important connections to fill my parental void. They were substitutes for family, since my brother and I lived far apart and had very different interests in life.

 

Hank with his friend Bob in Five Friends

Is there a lesson that you’d like to impart to your daughters from this experience of making the film?

I have tried to live a life of intimacy with my family and balance work with relationships at home. I hope I have done a decent job. Both my daughters love the movie. Years ago, my oldest daughter, Briana (30), had lunch one day with me and one of my friends, Barry. She was amazed by the quality of our conversation. It opened her eyes to the possibility of emotionally in-touch men. The movie was profound for her because: (a) she knew the friends and (b) she discovered things about me and my life she did not know. We hugged each other for a long time after her screening. It was wonderful, we are very close. Lauren, my youngest daughter (22), sat on my lap and cried after the movie ended. She said, “The best part of the movie is that she could share it with her children.” (Whenever and if she has some.) It was very touching! She is very creative and loving!

I think both of them see the quality of the collaborative experience with Erik and myself and how we work together and share life together. He is not one of the “Five Friends”, but he and I have worked together in a way that makes us very special colleagues and “brothers”. The lessons for my daughters are all about male relationships and for them to look for healthy, introspective, emotionally connected and smart men in their lives. I think they both do this now.

Is there a message or a lesson about male friendships that you hope people take away from the film? In your opinion and in your experience as a therapist, why is it a subject that’s so rarely addressed?

There are many lessons to be found in this documentary and it is wonderful that each person who sees the film finds lessons relevant to their lives. This is why the film has become so popular for men’s groups, gender study programs at universities, therapy sessions, between friends, for both men and women at any age, and for the general public at movie venues. It is a story that has been needed in our society. Men are thirsty for male relationships, they just frequently do not know how to find them and nurture them. Our society often confuses male intimacy with male gay relationships. They are quite different, but have similar qualities of profound intimacy.

 

Hank hugs his friend Barry in a still from Five Friends

Men, in our society are often taught to be strong, hold their feeling inside and solve their own problems. Men are expected to achieve, but not expected to love other men unless it is “family love”. Our society puts men in specific “strong behavior roles” that often do not meet their emotional needs and sense of isolation that men struggle with throughout their lives. Pop culture also puts men into stereotypes of being awkward, stupid, insensitive, funny and macho. This not real. It is a corner we are painted into while society provides women all the emotional opportunity and skills to be intimate with other women and men. The film Five Friends shows the audience that men are totally capable of as many complex and important emotions as women. This was a story ready and needing to be told.

Thanks for sharing such great insights into the film, Hank!

And thank you BMFI, we look forward to seeing you Wednesday…

Click Here for Original BMFI Blog

When an M3 group meets and they go home saying to themselves, “wow that was magical,” it’s
because something REAL happened. There’s no space between life and theater. That’s what happened
Saturday night thru Sunday—It was in that space–not sentimental, not fake. It was the magic of the real.

The men of M3 can lose sight of the fact that their tireless efforts in communication and supporting
each other create sacred space impacting men, women and children. Your big picture perspective will
re-energize them to give what they created a pathway to others. Thank you for that too.

We had men call or email wanting to join M3. A woman who works with retired or pre-retiring men
called to ask for help to find a way to “open men up to talk about their transition”. A woman who
consults with corporations called to open a conversation about how to create ways to connect with men
in the corporate setting. One psychologist with many published books asked if the can try M3 on for
size. One woman said she will show the movie to her female group of professional women. One Rabbi
asked how he can create a program around the movie for his synagogue. A gay M3 man just given a
diagnosis giving him 3 years (at best) to live was beaming with emotional joy and appreciation. One man
skipped the workshop to sit in the hotel to talk with his son in a conversation at a level they never had
before.

Everyone I just mentioned was in attendance Sunday. Now that’s what I call positive energy. Hank, you
and Erik said “thank you” through your creative hearts. We have a deep appreciation and respect
for your “Five Friends” work.

Ed Adams, Psychology Doctorate & Founder
Men Mentoring Men

Thanks Ed! Check them out here.

Me

The response to the film continues to amaze me. Men are quite ready to grow and change in their male relationships – they tell me stories all the time of steps they are taking to improve their male relationships. Men contact me and want to talk about their friendships and how they are developing relationships with men that they never thought possible and their amazement of how important this issue of quality male relationship is for them. Men in churches, colleges and clinics contact me and are using the film “Five Friends” to teach, create dialogues between men and help men become challenged about their behaviors in life through men’s groups or male therapy groups.

I truly enjoy the men who tell us, “Now I have role models to look at in the film “Five Friends.” They tell us they never knew what quality intimate male behavior looked like or sounded like. They see the film as a lesson in their own growth and opportunity with men and themselves to grow and bond. They know they cannot copy the cast in the movie, but the behaviors they watch provide them permission to spread their emotional wings and try different behaviors with male friends.

Women seem very happy for their male friends, boyfriends or husbands as they see them stretch their thinking and change their male behaviors. They see the benefits for the men and the benefits for them as women in their relationships with men – specifically deeper more transparent communication and conversations at a depth which really helps each other learn and improve their lives.

We do not need 5 male Friends. We all need to start with 1 male friend to begin to create a foundation of quality male friendships. We must start slowly and develop trust in ourselves and in/with other men. This, for many is new thinking, feelings and actions. Small steps are in order and here are some ideas to help.

1. Identify a man with whom you want to build a loving relationship and write down the “why?”

2. Start slow. Meet for coffee in a public place and discuss work or school or any “not very emotional/intimate” subject. Do this a few times before you have a meal together.

3. Call this man on the phone to discuss a relevant topic – work issues, the World Series, the coming election, any movie they have seen lately that they would recommend and why.

4. Maybe you do something that you love that the other man has never done – like feeding the hungry for Thanksgiving, or going to a sports event or going to something very entertaining – a Billy Joel concert.

As you take steps to develop a male relationship, evaluate what you are doing and how it feels. Discuss it with another friend or if you can, discuss it with the person who you are engaging. Talk about what is making you happy and what is a little weird and why? Keep pushing yourself to take steps monthly, then every other week and then weekly. Try to develop a quality male friendship before the year ends or before March 2012. Keep a diary of what you are doing and feeling. Talk to a close friend about it. Keep growing and see how it all unfolds.

Good Luck! Hank